Where I Stand

Well, hey. I'm Christina Elaine. I know basically no one will read this and I don't blame them. I mean, who really wants to hear the complaints and all the other crap that comes out of a high schooler's head. I know that I wouldn't, if I wasn't said high schooler. But I'm not doing this for anyone's enjoyment or entertainment-this is for me. This is where I can say everything that I can't otherwise without the risk of my friends spilling or us being overhead. This is where I can say all the things without people secretly judging me; where I can say things and nobody cares. I know, I know-I sound like a whiny teenager who thinks that their world is falling apart over the littlest thing. But I'm not. I respect those who have far greater problems than I could ever imagine and don't even have random cyber people to talk to. But it is nice to talk to someone about my trouble, no matter how trivial.

You see, I've been having some friend troubles lately. Now, I've never really fit in anywhere so I've always had trouble making friends. In fact, it wasn't until I was 8 that I met my first best friend-Rebecca. We met each other at my dance studio and we hit it off right away. Then I made 2 other friends at dance, Christina C and Kristin. We were all the best of friends. We saw each other practically every night of the week and would spend nearly every Friday night at each others' houses. Everything was fine until 6th grade when Christina C moved away and Rebecca, Kristin, and I started at the same middle school. Long story short, Kristin kept feeding Rebecca and me crap about each other so that we would fight and break up. After the year from hell, Kristin left both the school and dance and Rebecca and I were right back on track.

The next 2 years of middle school were ok. Rebecca never really hung out with me during school because she had known everyone else in our grade since pre-k. I had one good friend, Kara, in middle school. We did everything together and Rebecca would mostly ignore me at school but we were still friends at dance. Well, until Susan and Lauren came. Lauren was the same age as Rebecca and me while Susan was a year older. For some reason, she and Rebecca clicked and slowly but surely, Susan has taken my place as Rebecca's best friend and I am all but forgotten.

I wish that I could go back to those early days when Rebecca and I were always laughing and joking about silly things, or when I was the person she told everything to. Like how when she was 10 she wanted to quit dance and go to a school for singing and acting but was too scared to tell her mom. I wonder if Susan knows that.

Lauren and I became friends and Lauren's friends with Rebecca and Susan but for some reason Susan just never liked me. Actually, she never even tried to get to know me. She and Rebecca just clung together like glue...still do. But whenever Susan's not around, I can almost see the old Rebecca back-my Rebecca. The one who I always had in stitches and the one who never judged me like I can see her do now.

I still consider her one of my best friends. But I don't know if I really think she is, or if it's just out of loyalty to our long friendship. I think I must really care about her otherwise I wouldn't be crying as I write this. And I if I didn't care I wouldn't do anything after our fights just to see her smile at me again. Like our last fight last summer. I had been feeling left out because she kept ignoring me and doing things with Susan and Lauren without me and posting things about it on Facebook. I had tried talking to her about it but she just blew me off. And then I was talking about it to a trusted friend of mine at dance. The next day I left for vacation and I get a text from her yelling at me and accusing me of trying to start drama at dance and all this other crap that wasn't true. I don't think she realized that I was hurt and I needed someone who would listen to me. I knew in my heart that I did nothing wrong, but the only thing that I could do was say how sorry I was about everything. I just wanted her to like me. It took a month after I got back before she would even look at me again. It was one of the hardest months of my life.

But the issue now is that I know where she stands with me, but I can't figure out where I stand with her. I know that I would do anything for her but I don't know if she would do the same. It's killing me not to know but I'm afraid that if I say something she will get mad and end our friendship for good. I'd put up with anything as long as I don't loose her.